Seinfeld Quotes

Here is an assortment of quotes from the show Seinfeld which I still can't get enough of. Here's where I got most of them.

"If I had a son, I would name him Isosceles. Isosceles Kramer."
- Kramer, in "The Handicapped Spot"

"Why don't we just put these two tables together?"
"No no, you can't do that. They're round... it makes an eight...."
- Elaine and George, who doesn't want any company on his date, in "The Visa"

"I was spottin' those raccoons..."
"They were mailboxes, you idiot. I didn't have the heart to tell you."
- George and Jerry, in "The Glasses"

"May I have one of those, madam?"
- Kramer, making fun of George's glasses, in "The Glasses"

"My name is George. I am unemployed and I live with my parents."
"I'm Victoria, hi!"
- George and Victoria in "The Opposite"

"I show up! I pretend I have the job. The guy's on vacation. If I have the job, it's fine. If I don't have the job, by the time he comes back I'm ensconced."
"Hmmmmm.... Not bad."
"What's the worst thing that could happen?"
"Well, you'd be embarrassed and humiliated in front of a large group of people and have to walk out in shame with your tail between your legs."
"Yeah, so?"
"Yeah, I see what you mean. I forgot who I was dealing with."
- George and Jerry, in "The Barber"

Elaine enters.
Elaine: What happened? It looks the same.
Jerry: He didn't get to finish it. His uncle came in. We almost got caught.
Elaine: Jerry, the auction is in a few hours.
Jerry: Take the K-man.
Elaine: (slight pause) You can still go.
Kramer: What are you kidding? Look at him. He's grotesque.
Elaine: You think?
Kramer: Do I think? He's repugnant.
Elaine fiddles with the hair, trying to make it not look so bad. It doesn't work.
Elaine: What would you wear?
Kramer: Whatever it takes.
- Kramer, Elaine and Jerry, in "The Barber"

"Hmm, that job sounds like it might be worth a *year's* free haircuts. And a comb."
- Newman, in "The Barber"

"Okay next bachelor is number, um 124 on your program. He's uh, he's a high school graduate."
"Oh, uh equivalency. A high school equivalency program graduate. He's uh, self-employed. He's... I don't know, six foot three, 190 pounds, he likes, uh... fruit, and he just got uh, a haircut."
Kramer steps from the stage onto a table. The table tips over and Kramer falls off.
"Oh, Kramer. Okay uh, why don't we start the bidding. Do I hear, uh, five bucks?"
- Elaine and Kramer, in "The Barber"

"I think that you're in love with him."
"What? That's ridiculous!"
"No, I don't think so... You love him."
"You better be careful on those rocks tomorrow, buddy. And you're not getting any sandwiches either!"
- Kramer and George, in "The Stall"

"Ah, you're crazy."
"Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?!"
"It's impossible!"
"Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top?!"
"It can't be."
"Can it? Or is your entire world just crashing down all around you?"
"Alright, that's enough."
- Jerry and Kramer, in "The Stall"

"I might have a whole new career here."
"You mean *a* career."
- Kramer and Jerry, in "The Alternate Side"

"It's not fair that people are seated first-come, first-serve. It should be based on who's hungriest. I feel like just walking over there and taking some food off somebody's plate.
"I'll tell you what, there's fifty bucks in it for you if you do it."
"What do you mean?"
"You walk over to that table, you pick up an eggroll, you don't say anything. You eat it, say thank you very much, wipe your mouth, walk away, I give you fifty bucks."
"What are they gonna do?"
"They won't do anything. In fact, you'll be giving them a story to tell for the rest of their lives."
"Fifty bucks? You'll give me fifty bucks?"
"Fifty bucks. That table over there. The three couples."
"Okay, I don't want to go over there and do it and then come back here and find out there was some little loophole, like I didn't put mustard on it."
"No, no tricks."
"Should I do it George?"
"For fifty bucks? I'd put my face in their soup and blow!"
- Elaine, Jerry and George, in "The Chinese Restaurant"

"So I started to walk into the water. I won't lie to you boys, I was terrified. But I pressed on, and as I made my way past the breakers a strange calm came over me. I don't know if it was divine intervention or the kinship of all living things, but I tell you Jerry, at that moment I was a marine biologist."
- George, in "The Marine Biologist"

"The sea was angry that day my friends. Like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli."
- George, in "The Marine Biologist"

"Let me tell you something, funny boy... You know that little stamp? The one that says New York Public Library? Well, that may not mean anything to you, but that means a lot to me. One whole helluva lot. Sure, go ahead, laugh if you want to. I've seen your type before - flashy, making the scene, flaunting convention. Yeah, I know what you're thinking... Why's this guy making such a big stink about old library books? Let me give you a hint, junior. Maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me.... Maybe. Sure, we're too old to change the world. What about that kid, sitting down, opening a book right now in a branch of the local library and finding pictures of pee-pees and wee-wees in The Cat in the Hat and The Five Chinese Brothers. Doesn't he deserve better? Look, if you think this is about overdue fines and missing books, you'd better think again. This is about that kid's right to read a book without getting his mind warped. Or maybe that turns you on, Seinfeld... Maybe that's how you get your kicks... You and your goodtime buddies... I've got a flash for you, joy boy. Partytime is over."
- Lt. Bookman, in "The Library"

"After he heckled Toby, she got so upset she ran out of the building and a street sweeper ran over her foot and severed her pinky-toe."
"That's unbelievable!"
"Yeah, then after the ambulance left, I found the toe. So, I put it in a Cracker Jack box, filled it with ice and took off for the hospital."
"You ran?"
"No, I jumped on the bus. I told the driver, 'I got a toe here buddy. Step on it!'"
"Holy cow!"
"Yeah yeah, then all of a sudden this guy pulls out a gun. Well, I knew any delay's gonna cost her her pinky-toe, so I got out of the seat and I started walking towards him. He says, 'Where do you think you're going, Cracker Jack?' I says, 'Well, I got a little prize for you, buddy.' Pwaa! Pwaa! Keeyah! Knocked him out cold!"
"How could you do that?"
"Yeah, then everybody is screaming because the driver, he's passed out because of all the commotion. The bus is out of control! So I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel... Now I'm driving the bus!"
"You're Batman."
"Yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to and he starts choking me. So, I'm fighting him off with one hand and I kept driving the bus with the other. Then I managed to open up the door and I kicked him out the door with my foot at the next stop."
"You kept making all the stops?"
"Well, people kept ringing the bell!"
"What about the toe? What happened to the toe?"
"Well, I am happy to say that the little guy is back in place at the end of the line."
"You did all this for a pinky-toe?"
"Well, it's a valuable appendage."
- Kramer, George and Jerry, in "The Fire"

"Is it me, or was that the ugliest baby you have ever seen?"
"I couldn't look. It was like a Pekinese."
"Boy, a little too much chlorine in that gene pool."
- Jerry and Elaine, in "The Hamptons"

"So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen, you see an eclair in the receptacle, and you think to yourself, 'What the hell, I'll just eat some trash.'"
"No no no no no. It was not trash."
"Was it in the trash?"
"Then it was trash."
"It wasn't down in. It was sort of on top."
"But it was in the cylinder."
"Above the rim."
"Adjacent to refuse is... refuse."
"It was on a magazine. And it still had the doily on."
"Was it eaten?"
"One little bite."
"Well, that's garbage."
"But I know who took the bite. It was her aunt."
"Well, you, my friend, have crossed the line that divides man and bum. You are now a bum."
- Jerry and George, in "The Gymnast"

Jerry : So were going to make the Post Office pay for my new stereo?
Kramer : It's just a write off for them.
Jerry : How is it a write off?
Kramer : They just write it off.
Jerry : Write it off what?
Kramer : Jerry all these big companies they write off everything
Jerry : You don't even know what a write off is.
Kramer : Do you?
Jerry : No. I don't.
Kramer : But they do and they are the ones writing it off.
Jerry : I wish I just had the last twenty seconds of my life back.

"What kind of operation is it?"
"Isn't that where they remove the --"
"Don't ruin it for me, I haven't seen it yet!"
- George and Kramer in "The Stall"

(to George) "Rock climbing? Hehe.. where do you come off going rock climbing.. rock climbing? You need a boost to climb into your bed." - Elaine in "The Stall"

"I don't know what's happening to me."
"Simple. You let out one emotion, all the rest will come. It's like Endora's Box."
"That was the mother on Bewitched. You mean Pandora."
"Yeah, well, she had one too."
- Jerry and Kramer, in "The Serenity Now"

"I'll sniff out a deal. I have a sixth sense."
"Cheapness is not a sense."
- George and Jerry, in "The Reverse Peephole"

"Don't you see what Whatley is after? Total joke-telling immunity! He's already got the big two religions covered. If he ever gets Polish citizenship, there'll be no stopping him."
- Jerry, in "The Yada Yada"

"Listen to me. We're always sitting here. I'm always helping you with your girl problems, you're always helping me with my girl problems. Where do we end up?"
"Exactly. Because neither one of us can handle a woman all by ourselves."
"I'm trying."
"I've tried. We don't have it. But maybe the two of us, working together, at full capacity, could do the job of one normal man."
"Then each of us would only have to be like a half-man. That sounds about right."
- George and Jerry, in "The Summer of George"

"You think people will still be using napkins in the year 2000? Or is this mouth vacuum thing for real?"
- Kramer, in "The Millennium"

"Seven Costanza... You're serious?"
"Yeah. It's a beautiful name for a boy or a girl. Especially a girl... Or a boy."
"I don't think so."
"What, you don't like the name?"
"It's not a name. It's a number."
"I know. It's Mickey Mantle's number. So not only is it an all-around beautiful name, it is also a living tribute."
- George and Susan, in "The Seven"

"Seven? Yeah, I guess I could see it. Seven. Seven periods of school, seven beatings a day. Roughly seven stitches a beating, and eventually seven years to life. Yeah, you're doing that child quite a
- Jerry, in "The Seven"

"I defy you to come up with a better name than Seven."
"Alright, let's see... How about Mug? Mug Costanza. That's original. Or Ketchup. Pretty name for a girl."
"Alright... You having a good time now?"
"I've got fifty right here in the cupboard... How about Bisquick? Pimento? Gherkin? Sauce? Maxwell House?"
"Alright already!!"
- George and Jerry, in "The Seven"

"I had a very interesting lunch with George Costanza today."
"We were talking about our lives, and we both kind of realized we're kids. We're not men."
"So then you asked yourselves, 'Isn't there something more to life?'"
"Yes, we did." "Yeah, well let me clue you in on something... There isn't."
"There isn't?"
"Absolutely not. I mean, what are you thinking about, Jerry, marriage? Family? They're prisons! Man-made prisons. You're doing time. You get up in the morning, she's there. You go to sleep at night, she's there. It's like you gotta ask permission to use the bathroom. 'Is it alright if I use the bathroom now?!' And you can forget about watching TV while you're eating."
"I can?"
"Oh yeah. You know why? Because it's dinnertime, and you know what you do at dinner?"
"You talk about your day. 'How was your day today? Did you have a good day today or a bad day today? Well, what kind of day was it? Well, I don't know, how about you, how was your day?'"
"It's sad, Jerry. It's a sad state of affairs."
"I'm glad we had this talk."
"Oh, you have no idea."
- Jerry and Kramer, in "The Engagement"

"You know, old friend, sometimes I ponder this silly gulf between us, and I say 'why?'. Are we really so different..."
"I'm not the one doing the cooking, Newman."
"Damn you Seinfeld. You're a useless pustule."
- Newman and Jerry, in "The Butter Shave"

"Interesting. She doesn't care for you, then a stern warning, suddenly a phone call. Seems Elaine's made you the bad boy. And Anna digs the bad boy."
"I'm the bad boy. I've never been the bad boy."
"You've been the bad employee, the bad son, the bad friend..."
"Yes, yes..."
"The bad fiance, the bad dinner guest, the bad credit risk..."
"Okay, the point is made."
"The bad date, the bad sport, the bad citizen... (looks at table as George exits) the bad tipper!"
- Jerry and George, in "The Little Kicks"

"So what happened?"
"She's into it."
"Into what?"
"The menage. And not only that. She just called me and said she talked to the roommate and the roommate's into the menage too."
"That's unbelievable."
"Oh, it's a scene man."
"Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank god that you know me and have access to my dementia?"
"What are you talking about? I'm not goin' to do it."
"You're not goin to do it? What do you mean, You're not goin to do it?"
"I can't. I'm not an orgy guy."
"Are you crazy? This is like discovering Plutonium ... by accident."
"Don't you know what it means to become an orgy guy? It changes everything. I'd have to dress different. I'd have to act different. I'd have to grow a moustache and get all kinds of robes and lotions and I'd need a new bedspread and new curtains I'd have to get thick carpeting and weirdo lighting. I'd have to get new friends. I'd have to get orgy friends. ... Naw, I'm not ready for it.
"If only something like that could happen to me."
"Oh, shut up you couldn't do it either."
"I know."
- George and Jerry, in "The Switch"

"I sense great vulnerability. A man-child crying out for love. An innocent orphan in the post-modern world."
"I see a parasite. A sexually depraved miscreant who is seeking only to gratify his basest and most immediate urges."
"His struggle is man's struggle. He lifts my spirit."
"He is a loathesome, offensive brute. Yet I can't look away."
"He transcends time and space."
"He sickens me."
"I love it."
"Me too."
- An elderly art loving couple, admiring the painting of Kramer, in "The Letter"

Kramer: Well, more bad news Jerry. You know the police they found another victim of the Loper in Riverside Park. I saw the photo and it looked a lot like you.
Jerry: Oh, come on, there's a lot of people walking around the city that look like me.
Kramer: Not as many as there used to be.

Jerry: The answering machine is like a relationship barometer.
George Costanza: What IS a barometer?
Kramer: It's pronounced thermometer.

Frank Costanza: I'm like the Phoenix, rising from Arizona.

"You should've seen her face. It was the exact same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist."
- George, in "The Cafe"

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